[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
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me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
omg leave her alone
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”