Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?

February 14th.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?

“No thanks.”

Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…

“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.