Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.

Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.

There’s an important lesson here.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.

They didn’t planet that way.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?

M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.

The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.