Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

lmao

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:

Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!

ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.