Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The glory of fall.

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

My nickname in high school was “who?”

Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery

My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.