[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
You Might Also Like
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
scares
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
How I’d get arrested…
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit