*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
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Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*offers Batman cough drops*
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.