Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed

Me: *turns on my cpap machine*

Her: Not like that

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.