Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.

Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING