Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

I’m crying im so happy for them

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

Raisins are grape jerky.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

tfw you realize …

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices