Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

I already tried new things thanks.

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]

ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”