Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

[1st date]

HER: I like a guy with good Southern values

ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.