[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
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└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
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└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
The biggest mystery of our time
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*