Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

Same post same

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

Is your wife single?

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me