Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

is this store having a stroke wtf

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.