Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

This forever.

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Word of the day:

Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.

Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”

As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money