Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Cop: where ya headed?

“the gym”

Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you

“thank you so much, officer”

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

[doctor presses play]

couple: maybe a different donor