Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

man i love columbo

[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’

Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.