[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
the saddest jazz hands ever
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy