[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
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Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels