@CorkyKneivel

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

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@tracietom

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

@ddsmidt

My MIL recently had an amazing recovery from a serious illness. Everyone was saying what a fighter she is.

I’d have to agree, I mean she’ll literally fight with anyone.

@DelanieFischer

One of my favorite things about Walmart: the impulse buy is no longer a breathmint, it’s an entire rotisserie chicken.

@carlyken

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

@SimoneSpringer

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

@AnnietheNanny1

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

@Jenn_H_Scott

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

@lmegordon

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

@goofyrice

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.