In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?