In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Interior design 👌
this site is so cooked lol
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”