In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
You’re not my real can
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.