Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

shakira sharkira

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.

My bladder: Hahaha.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.