In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
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I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
These are my roll models.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism