Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*

Cashier: “Are you moving?”

Me: “No, why?”

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Oh hi lol

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.