Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

Him- I’ll have a lemona…

Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.

Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

I saw nothing

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.

6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.

Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.

6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.