In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
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Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing