in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
this made my day 😂