Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

I hope they boil the right one.

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

moms in horror movies

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Bike is short for Bichael.

My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.

The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.