I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
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I hope it’s French Onion!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.