In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”