In Canada they just call them geese
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Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.