[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
inside you are two wolves
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
