[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
smh
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
neighborhood watch
