@skickwriter

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

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@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

@SteveSuckington

Good cop: license and registration please

Perp: I’m sorry was I speeding

Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I’m dad.

@GrantTanaka

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

@KeetPotato

[inventing humans]
god: “they should have complete control of their tongue”
angel: “um ok”
god: “let me finish.. except when using scissors”

@Darlainky

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

@TommyRainmaker

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

@oscarewilde

[Wild West car dealership]
cowboy: what kind of car do you sell?
dealer: audi
cowboy: yeah hi what kind of car do you sell?

@murfect

*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
*opens Twitter*
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

@Mindless4Miles

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*