My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
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If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
ME: cool see u tonight
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?