Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
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Good cop: license and registration please
Perp: I’m sorry was I speeding
Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I’m dad.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
god: “they should have complete control of their tongue”
angel: “um ok”
god: “let me finish.. except when using scissors”
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
[Wild West car dealership]
cowboy: what kind of car do you sell?
cowboy: yeah hi what kind of car do you sell?
*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*