@skickwriter

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

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@Marlebean

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

@sameblacklist

If Eve sacrificed the whole human race for an apple, have you ever wondered what she would have done for a cucumber?

@rimaparikh12

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

@LizerReal

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

@urmumsausername

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

@Cpin42

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?