[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
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At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
it must be school picture day
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?