Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

I weigh at least 17 squirrels

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.