Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”

Me: “oh I see you”

Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”

Me: “yeah floor it”

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong