Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

*mops up wine with cat*

Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.