[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
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I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Ummm
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.