Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.

Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?

M: ask him to use his other hand

Therapist: Let me rephrase…

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it

I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”