Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: i take things literally

professor x: that’s not a superpower

me:

professor x: where’s my pen

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Stop sending me this shit.

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers