Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”