These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.
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I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list?
HR: Why not?
Me: Because I’m not in Kindergarten.
40% of divorces stem from $ issues.
40% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?
Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.