@mellimelle

In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

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@CMHorrocks

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

@chimneyspotter

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

@emireecraire

Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Do you want your name on the October birthday list?

Me: Nope.

HR: Why not?

Me: Because I’m not in Kindergarten.

@rw_powers

40% of divorces stem from $ issues.

40% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 20% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

@girl_a_whirl

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

@justabloodygame

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

@Cpt_Burnout

Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?

Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.

@girlontapas

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.