In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
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Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
So sorry
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.