Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.

What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?

a pool table.

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

Jus’ sayin. 😐

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

“I love Worcestershire sauce.”

“What’s so special about it?”

“It’s hard to say.”

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.