In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
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what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”