In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less