In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
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When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit