In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Noted.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time