In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.