In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
The Friday File.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Things will get butter, keep churning
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash: