In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
The cycle continues
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people