In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys