Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.