“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
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Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.