“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
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As the Lord intended
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures