Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

Cop lights are so pretty at night

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer