Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
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No, why?

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

When you don’t understand how floors work

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.