IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.