Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.