Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that