In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
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I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
live long and prosper!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.