Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Going to church you guys need anything

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

can i punch you in the face but like romantically?