Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Good point.

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–

–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)