In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
You Might Also Like
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂