In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
opening twitter today
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.