Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

Natty or not?

When you don’t understand how floors work

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

$3 #books

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken