In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
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If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now