in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
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Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie