in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
How software testing works
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.