in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
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[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!